Learning to Communicate at Every Age: Why You Should be Taking Advantage of Tantrums
Knowing How to Communicate in a Healthy Way
Do you ever have a full-grown adult speak rudely to you, and you’re just so thrown off and in shock that they get through life talking like that to people? I used to wait tables and bartend for several years so I’ve had my fair share of rude interactions with the general public. For a while I would always take it way too personally. I’m typically very nice to people, especially strangers. So, I just couldn’t understand why a stranger would be so rude to me. But after having kids, I began to see so many parallels between my kids and these rude adults. And I came to the conclusion that the root of the problem is essentially the same. Both the child and the adult have not learned how to communicate their needs in a healthy way.
Your Kid’s Not Rude, Just Unequipped
When my daughter is whining or throwing a tantrum, it’s because she doesn’t have the skills yet to keep her cool and tell me what she needs in a calm manner. As a child, I can’t expect her to be able to do this on her own yet. All I can do is coach her through each tantrum. I can give her the words to say. I can explain how talking nicely is a much more effective way to get someone to actually listen and want to help her. And I can remind her the importance of being patient and slow to anger. No need to lecture, just simply give your kids the skills they need to be better communicators. Now I believe if parents don’t do this consistently, those kids will just grow up into adults who have the same deficiencies and lack the same skills. But instead of whining and tantrums, they’ll exhibit unhealthy symptoms that are more socially acceptable for adults. They might not necessarily be rude, but I think there are several other symptoms that indicate a lack of communication skills.
Symptoms of Poor Communication Skills
There are plenty of more covert symptoms that can be just as detrimental as being rude or yelling at strangers. Passive aggressive tendencies, bitterness, the silent treatment, and things or people never living up to one’s expectations can all be signs of poor communication. If someone is passive aggressive, they likely are not straight forward about how they are feeling. If someone becomes bitter, they likely have left words unsaid with someone who hurt them. The silent treatment is just a straight up choice to not communicate one’s needs or feelings and people who use this tactic often want the other person to read their mind and to somehow just know what the problem is. Things never being good enough can be a result of not expressing one’s expectations upfront. JUST SAY WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU! You don’t need to be rude or aggressive. And sometimes people won’t understand you or empathize with your feelings. But do your part and say what’s on your mind. Be patient, consider other people’s perspectives, and tactfully express what’s wrong.
This is much easier said than done, especially if you’ve never really learned how to be straight forward. I think for a lot of adults, they were silenced and or punished when whining or having a tantrum as a kid, and they weren’t given the skills to better communicate in the future. For me personally, I just remember being sent to time out whenever I was having an emotional outburst. This was a very standard practice, but it didn’t give me any useful skills. What it did do was teach me that nobody wants to hear what I have to say when I’m upset. That everything that comes out of my mouth needs to be happy and agreeable if I want others to like me. I believe this has created another common symptom of poor communication – being non-confrontational and suppressing emotions. I for sure am a non-confrontational person. And unfortunately, a lot of people will say it’s a symptom of being too nice. But that’s definitely not what’s going on when I don’t have the courage to tell someone they’re doing something wrong, that someone’s behavior is frustrating, that someone hurt my feelings, or that my name is actually Jessica and not Jennifer. (Yes, that last one has happened multiple times.) Why is it so hard for me to just speak up? Maybe a part of it is just people pleasing or a desire to prevent drama. But ultimately, I think it stems from a lack of confidence and when problems go unaddressed it can lead to long-term resentment. Would you rather have a little drama upfront, or years of resentment to come? The answer to that might seem obvious, but if you’re not given the chance to speak up for yourself when you’re young, how are you supposed to have the confidence to do that as an adult?
What do I do now?
Maybe you can relate to some of these symptoms and now you’re left wondering, “where do I go from here?” For me it looks like speaking up for myself in the moment that something bothers me rather than bottling it up for it to all explode later. Starting in safe spaces is a great way to build confidence and get in the habit of healthy communication. Being honest with my husband has been my safe space and it’s helped me become bolder with those outside of that space. Start small, but do challenge yourself. I have found so much freedom in being able to express when something bothers me the moment that it happens. To some this might sound ridiculous, but I was so conditioned to keep my frustrations quiet. Now I feel like I’m on my way to healthier communication habits and I want nothing less for my girls.
So, when they are having their tantrums and whining nonstop, I see it as an opportunity to develop their skills. To show them how to keep their cool. To teach them the words to say. And to ultimately give them a chance to build their confidence as they learn how to speak up for themselves in a healthy way. A phrase I’ve been hearing a lot lately as I learn more about parenting is that discipline means to teach, not punish. So, when I tell myself that I’m “disciplining” my child, I ask myself, what am I teaching her? What skills am I giving her? And how is this preparing her for adulthood. The Bible says to train your children up in the way they should go and when they grow old they will not stray from it (Proverbs 22:6). Let’s empower our kids and do our best to not squelch their confidence.
