How I Get My Kids to Listen: The Importance of Connection Before Demands

I Want it Done NOW!

Something I’ve been noticing about myself is that when I ask my child to do something, I want her to do it NOW. Regardless of the circumstances, not considering my child’s ability to focus or transition, and without any flexibility on my end, the authoritarian parent in me wants it done immediately. Stop playing with that and put your shoes on. Put the crayons down and help me clean up this mess. Stop grabbing more toys and get in the car right now. Essentially my mentality is, “when I say jump, you say how high?” Now obviously I wouldn’t have this expectation for my husband, a friend, or a coworker. That would just be incredibly rude to not consider what someone is doing when I ask them to do something for me. But for some reason I have no problem doing that to my kids. Let’s dive into a strategy that will help you connect with your child first before expecting them to listen right away.  

Of course, obedience is important. But when I don’t consider what my daughter is doing and I come in hot with my demands, I am always met with defiance and whining. Transitions for my daughter are typically challenging. When she’s busy coloring, she feels a strong need to complete her drawing before easily moving on to another task. I think this is totally understandable, but for a while I believed that her refusing to immediately put down the markers was her being defiant. But if I was in the middle of a project and someone needed me to do something, I would prefer for them to say something like, “Hey, when you get to a good stopping point, can you help me?” I definitely wouldn’t respond well to something like, “Hey, I don’t care what you’re working on. I need you to do something else right now.” Obviously, most people wouldn’t say something so blunt, but I’ve known several people who send this message through their behavior and tone of voice.

The Approach

So how can we approach telling our kids what to do without barking out orders all the time and constantly losing our patience? While the Golden Rule might sound a bit cliché, it certainly helps give the right perspective. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (Luke 6:31). In my experience, it can be difficult to remember to model respect for my kids by first showing them the respect they deserve. I can be demanding, inconsiderate of what is important to them, and express impatience. All things that drive me crazy when other people treat me that way. But if I take a minute to consider the circumstances and actually think about how to effectively communicate with my child, I’m able to approach the situation with a lot more patience and self-control, and guess what. My child responds with a lot more patience and self-control. She can feel that Mom is meeting her where she’s at. That Mom empathizes with what’s important to her in that moment. And that even though Mom needs her to do something, Mom can approach the situation without being demanding or impatient.

So, what does this look like in real life? Let me give an example. My oldest LOVES to watch TV. I was the exact same way so I can empathize with her. When she has a chance to watch her favorite show, she is zoned out. Trying to talk to her is like talking to a brick wall. Her selective hearing is unmatched when the TV is on. Whenever I need her to do something, I typically need to repeat myself a bunch and I would quickly lose my patience and begin raising my voice. This became a trigger for me. I felt like she was being so rude by ignoring me and I wasn’t considering her side. She has the chance to watch her favorite show and she doesn’t have the ability to multitask. So, it makes sense that she can’t focus on what I’m saying. And it makes sense that when she does finally hear me, she doesn’t want to do it right away. Rather than being triggered and assuming she’s being rude, now I approach the situation a lot differently. 1. Instead of raising my voice at her, often from a considerable distance, I actually go up to her to get her attention. 2. I’ll ask her what she’s watching and show some interest. 3. I’ll ask her to pause the show so she doesn’t have to miss it and then 4. I’ll ask her to do whatever it is that needs to be done. I’m the one allowing her to have the TV on in the first place, so why am I going to get upset when she’s just acting like a 5-year-old watching TV?

A New Perspective

I like to compare this to how I would approach a peer when I need something from them. First, I make it a point to connect with them and consider what they have going on. And then I can go ahead and make my request. If someone were to yell at me from across the room and just blurt out demands and then lose patience right away, I would get defensive. And I certainly wouldn’t want to do it. This also makes me consider the effects of my impatience on my child. When she comes up to me whining and yelling for me to do something for her right away, is she just copying the behavior I’ve shown towards her? When I’m in the middle of cooking or have my hands full and she wants me to do something or hold something for her, is her lack of consideration for what I have going on just a reflection of my inconsideration for what she’s doing? I’ve found that if we can simply flip our focus from our kids and back onto our own behavior, we can usually find the solution.

Give it a try!

Now this strategy is not always effective. There are plenty of times when even after trying to connect, my daughter will still respond with a defiant NO. And that’s where obedience comes in. I’ll be honest, I’m definitely still figuring this out. I still lose my cool, I still raise my voice, and even though I know it never helps, I still make empty threats. But I have noticed a significant difference in how my child responds to connection versus blurting out demands. This is a learning process for everyone. I’m learning to keep my cool and be the respectful adult, and my daughter is learning the importance of cooperation and why we do things the way we do. So, if your child struggles to listen, especially during some type of transition, I encourage you to try connecting first. Show them you’re considering what they have going on, even if it seems silly to you. After some consistency, you’ll begin to see a shift as your child feels more understood and you get better at modeling the behavior you want them to show.