Finding the Root of my Child’s Tantrum
“I always thought my kids were giving me trouble. That they were just being disrespectful, disobedient, rude, and inconsiderate. I thought these were characteristics that I needed to punish out of them. But after a little research, I quickly learned that they simply lacked the skills needed to handle their frustrations in a healthy way.”
The Meltdown
It’s the end of the day and I’m getting dinner ready when I hear it begin. Mean words are said, a kid screams, a toy is thrown across the room, and then a crying child comes running up to me with her finger pointed at her sister. Classic witching hour symptoms. And how do I respond? Not great! I lose my patience, I come in hot, and I’m looking for who to blame for this chaos. My kids are yelling, I’m yelling, empty threats are carelessly thrown out, and the only solution seems to be to just wait it out. Eventually everyone will cool down and we can just ignore what happened, right?
Can you relate? Do you find yourself so drained by evening that you can’t even enjoy your family at dinner time? I’ve been there countless times, desperately wishing I could control my kids better. But that quickly changed when I got serious about my parenting education. I always thought my kids were giving me trouble. That they were just being disrespectful, disobedient, rude, and inconsiderate. I thought these were characteristics that I needed to punish out of them. But after a little research, I quickly learned that they simply lacked the skills needed to handle their frustrations in a healthy way. And it’s my responsibility to show them how it’s done, no pressure.
Flipping My Perspective
It was apparent that a considerable amount of self-reflection would be necessary in order to gain the correct perspective. Fortunately for me, I love self-reflection. Maybe it’s the problem solver in me, maybe I was just desperate to do whatever it takes to stop all the whining and screaming. Whatever it was, the idea of learning why we respond the way we do fascinated me. Why does my child’s tantrum instigate my own tantrum? Why is my child’s whining so triggering for me? Why do I expect my kids to blindly go along with every demand I make? Can you tell I was starting to ask better questions?
Shifting the focus from my kids’ undesirable behavior to my own expectations changed the game for me. I realized that their behavior was simply a symptom of a deeper problem. This allowed me to show up with much more empathy and a desire to truly teach and guide them through those hard situations. What is the root of this tantrum?
Getting Curious
To find the answer, I needed to get curious. I needed to think about all the things that led them to this point of frustration. Is my child simply hungry or tired, or have they been feeling neglected and in need of emotional connection? The toughest time of day in our house is bedtime. My kids desperately want as much emotional connection with us as possible until their little eyes are shut. And this often feels like a big ask for us because hey, it’s the end of the day and Mom and Dad are exhausted. I know my 5-year-old is physically capable of getting ready for bed by herself, so why can’t she just do it and let me lay on the couch for a little bit longer? When she would be begging me to help her and not doing what I asked, I used to see it as disobedience. Now I’m able to see clearly that she’s not asking for help because she can’t do it, she’s asking for help because it’s one of the last times of the day that she can connect with me. She knows that her freedom to come sit with me and play is coming to an end and she’ll be refined to her bedroom for the next 10+ hours. How horrible I felt when I realized that I was denying her emotional connection because of my laziness.
What is the REAL Problem?
So here is a very simple question to ask yourself the next time your child is displaying any undesirable behavior, “What is the REAL problem here?” It’s never just “my child is mad” or “my child is disrespectful and won’t listen.” No. Your child has an unmet need, and they don’t have the skills needed to properly communicate how you can help them. I was reminded of the true meaning of the word “discipline.” It means to teach. How many of us have been guilty of confusing teaching with punishing? Next time you tell yourself you’re disciplining your child, ask yourself, “What am I teaching them right now? What skills am I giving them for future problems and frustrations? How am I helping them grow?” There is a time and place for punishment, but teaching your kids how to communicate their needs in a healthy way will take them so much further than a slap on the wrist ever could.
