Confusing Independence with Being Alone: Why My Child Really Wants My Help
“I realized that it’s not an obedience issue, although the authoritarian parent in me certainly feels like it is. What my daughter is actually feeling is a need for connection..”
Independent but not Alone
As I’ve been chugging along through this third pregnancy, I’ve noticed one significant difference with carrying baby #3 – I’m EXHAUSTED! My first two pregnancies were a breeze compared to this one, so I’ve been thankful that at least my girls are getting more and more self-sufficient. They can buckle themselves up in the car, they can get a cup of water on their own, they can brush their own teeth, and they can pretty much go potty on their own. I definitely feel like a winning mom when my kids can do things without my help.
But something I’ve noticed with my 5-year-old is that even though she can do things independently, that doesn’t mean she wants to do them alone. This has been a pretty significant realization for me, especially as we navigate bedtime. Ugh bedtime. That is definitely the most challenging part of our day more often than not. My oldest will do pretty good with listening and playing nicely throughout the day, but as soon as I say, “it’s time to go potty and brush our teeth,” I’m met with so much defiance. She straight up refuses to obey even though I’m asking her to do very simple tasks. I know she can do these things on her own. She does them with no problem earlier in the day. So as her exhausted pregnant mom, I would be begging her to just get up and do it. And you know what she says almost every night? “Can you help me!?”
Too tired (and lazy) to get up, I begin to raise my voice and tell her to just do it. It’s not that hard. Why can’t she just listen? I quickly, and inadvertently, begin to use shame as my strategy as if that will somehow encourage her. It never works and just leads to a bigger meltdown. Finally, after doing some research and learning about bedtime routines, I realized that it’s not an obedience issue, although the authoritarian parent in me certainly feels like it is. What my daughter is actually feeling is a need for connection, especially at bedtime when she knows that our attention for her is about to go silent until morning. So yes, she can do her bedtime routine without me physically having to help her, but she does not want to do it alone because she knows that this is her last chance to connect. Her last chance to hang out with Mom. Her last chance to tell me some crazy fun fact she learned from her favorite animal show. She simply needs to connect in those last moments of the day.
Why it’s Significant
When I finally realized this, I felt God reminding me how He never expects me to follow His plans alone. When He tells me what the next move is, He’s right there leading the way. He is always with me, always there to help and support. He sent the Holy Spirit to guide and direct me, and so as a mom I felt convicted to die to myself and always make myself available to help my kids. Even when I’m exhausted. Even when I’m emotionally drained. Even when I’m feeling straight up lazy. I’m definitely not perfect at this, but I believe this is the standard we should be striving for.
God did not design us to be alone. When we try to do things alone we get discouraged, we lose motivation, and we can be easily deceived without wise counsel. So as a Christian mom, I want to model what it looks like to be supported by loved ones and right now it might seem mundane. My daughter wants me to help her go potty, brush her teeth, get dressed, all things that she can do on her own, but there’s a good chance she’ll get distracted or discouraged. So, I just need to remind myself that it’s a privilege to be able to do these things with her.
Having this perspective has encouraged me to get up and help, even when I know she can do something on her own. When she asks for help, she’s not asking me to do something for her. She’s just asking me to do it with her. And how could I say no to that? I understand when you’re in the thick of motherhood, your kids need you countless times and helping them quickly begins to feel mundane and tiring. But before I know it, my girls will be doing everything on their own, and maybe even refusing my help. So for now, I’ll be helping them as much as I possibly can.
